16 weeks, is that you?

I've heard -and now believe- that you can feel baby #2 sooner than #1.  I'm definitely more "in tune" to what to expect so when I feel a little something, I'm thinking that must be my little something...

Fish tail is what I'm calling this current feeling in my utero.  There's a fish tail moving in there!!  Feeling the slight and faint movements of a 5 inch (estimated) babe brings me even closer to feeling connected -bonded- to this new being.  For me, early bonding is extremely important.  As each week goes by, attending each appointment, hearing a heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound image, picking a name (still no final answer on that one), and feeling movement -I feel more and more connected to the new life that will enter this family.

When I was prego with Milo I was not as "in the moment."  I just wanted to hurry this little pregnancy inconvenience along so I could return to my life, my body, my jeans, and, most importantly, my sushi and wine.

I may have been 30 years old when I gave birth for the first time, but I was -looking back- hanging on to my selfish, inconsiderate, no good, dirty ways.

I guess I'm a late bloomer.

And, although, there's a part of me that is counting down the weeks, I also know, from experience, that this time really is special.  Really is fleeting.  I'm not taking this for granted. I'm creating someone's husband (hopefully), someone's father (perhaps), someone's friend, someone's cousin, nephew, grandchild... 

His story should begin with a grateful mother who is connected -by more than just a cord and blood- but by authentic spirit and love.

Milo brought me a sense of renewal and gratitude.  This one, #2, is bringing me into process,  the here and now.

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

saturday, 56 degrees, last day of winter.

Slurping up the remains of a mild winter here in Maryland.  The winter that brought me the new life twirling inside me.  The winter that kept us inside.  Me: couch bound and dizzy with nausea and fatigue. You: in constant motion and talking and dizzy for more.



The last winter where it's just you and me.





and me and you.





Every day a new strength
Every hour a new awareness
Every moment full



I love stepping back and watching you play.  Surrounded by mini sand dunes made by friends and neighbors that have come and gone.
It's always easier making friends with bare feet in the sand. You taught me that.




or just roaming aimlessly where the land is soft...where there were once fish who then grew hands, then fingers, then prints... Marking up  the earth...simple and lovely, only potential known here...from a single cell...




to where the textures change...
and Oh, oh yes, how they'll change -in the speed of exploding star matter- shape shifting from a dream body to a grain of sand to a crawling-walking-running life force.

Seasons, bodies, minds -not just changing- but evolving... There's a universal consciousness in constant.  A solitude in knowing that every mankind has pressed their foreheads up against the same questions of fear and love.  Strange, unreliable dreams quickly forgotten in the stir of awakening -but the moments -where I freeze my frame- I only hear your laugh.

Thank you, winter, on ending on such a...note...

play on...

Nothing like the internet to make you doubt yourself. Thanks Google.

So (not so) little miss thing over here (that's me) has been wrapping her (me again) brain around the whole "pregnant with a boy" thing. 

But then I came across this website.  And, now, I'm doubting the 100%ness of carrying a boy.  Turns out male and female fetus' look pretty darn similar at the 12ish week. 

Huh.

So then I'm thinking...there's still a chance this could be a girl?

I always said I really don't care either way what gender Milo's sibling is.  My part was to have unprotected, unbridled, reverse cowgirl boots with the fur kind of relations.  With. That. Man. (old -revised- Clinton joke for ya)  The rest is up to the great Goddess of Nature. 

And, as we all know, the Big Mother N does her own thing without a care as to what opinions are dropped into the suggestion box.

boy, girl -I'm not playing favorites...I just want to know!

Next ultrasound appointment? 2 weeks.  I'll be 17 weeks and that will make me far enough along to really believe what is seen...

A lot of pregnancy is about uncertainty. About EVERYTHING: 

Gender, health of the baby (physical, mental, developmental), what genes will they inherit, how long will I stay pregnant, when will labor start, and for how long, what symptoms will I experience, how will my body change, how will it stay the same, will I be able to breastfeed, do I even want to breastfeed, will I be judged on my feeding choices, will I be judged if I take pics of me breastfeeding (oh, the controversy!), can I keep my boobs after the milk has dried up, will I get stretch marks, will the baby be collicky, have I gained too much weight, can I have a glass of wine in the 2nd trimester, how about a shot of tequila, what will I NAME the baby, what would my long deceased grandmother say about the name, will I need a c-section this time, should I go back on the Mirena or try the pill, will having another child turn me into a friendless lunatic who can't tell the difference between a refrigerater and a pantry, belly button care, circumscision care, ear infections, fever, night feeding after night feeding, midnight ER trips, sitz baths and witch hazel pads, will the bleeding EVER STOP, stock piling super absorbant granny panties, husband deployments...

Tip of the ice berg.  I might be a little neurotic.

So let's find out the gender (again) so I can at least check that off my list...

That little sucker!

Is that a baby...sucking his thumb? Oh no-no-no...

Milo wasn't a thumb sucker, not a finger sucker, not even a pacifier sucker.  And this was all good and well because I figured it was one less battle to fight down the road.  What with weaning from the bottle, separation from mama anxiety, transitioning from the "family bed", to transitioning out of the crib and on and on...thumb sucking was not meant to be on my wean list.

But from the looks of this sonogram it seems as though baby #2 has other plans...



Dude, really? REALLY?

I'm hoping he's just scratching his chin, imitating The Thinker if you will...

What?  I said HE?!

 (for those of you who are not my "friend" on fb...)

Yeah, baby!  ...I'm going to be having another baby BOY!



follow the arrow...At a mere 12 weeks, 5 days it's pretty plain to see...

I was hoping that when I went to this fancy sonogram place for my appointment they could show me a little something regarding gender o' the baby.  But the primary reason for this referral was to not only measure and size up the babe according to my estimated due date, but also to determine if I'm a candidate for Delalutin.  And also blood work -1st trimester screening- for Downs Syndrome and Trisomy 18.

Results (given a week later) are less than 1 out 5000 chance of having a baby with these disorders. RELIEF!

Side note: the nurse also told me that "for my age" the odds of having a Downs or Trisomy baby are 1 out of 332.

As far as the weekly shot to prevent pre-term labor, the doc is having me come in again in 4 weeks to recheck the checky-checks to make sure things are checking out.  But, so far, it's looking like it won't be entirely necessary since Milo's outcome was so succssful.  He may have been born at 36 weeks (and 1 day) but his height/weight and general health were perfecto.  That and I didn't have any other issues the entire pregnancy.



Oh, another boy, another boy, another boy...

You know what's harder than the first trimester of pregnancy?

Picking another BOY NAME!! 

Suggestions welcome!

Some days it's all I can do...

to not EAT HIM UP!

Especially when he plays so NICELY with others...I think it's a mixture of the skills he's learning in day care what with being exposed to so many social opportunities...and, of course, the amazing spot-on parenting skills I have acquired in the last couple of years!

There was a time -not so long ago- where every playdate was filled with edge-of-your-seat anxiety -just waiting for the inevitable hair pull, bite, shove, grab of a toy, an epic Ice Age meltdown...

Milo still has his moments...trust me...

But today I saw a boy who was using words "Don't touch please", "Thank you."  He understood when I said, "We're sharing" or "Let's take turns...okay it's Jane's turn now."

It's just plain amazing to see how he understood -without whining- the concept of playing with his peers as opposed to mere parallel play or the grabbing/fighting "MINE" play.

I think it's just about every parent's dream to have a child who listens, who shares, who has manners, is polite, is cute, laughs, is told things only once and is just plain easy going...

Today, I had that kid.

It truely makes all those other days -worth it...

week 13: some say you're supposed to feel better. I say STFU.



Pants that fit can get a girl giddy-fied!

As much as I don't want to spend any money on maternity wear...I can't help myself.  Prego or not, when a girl pulls on a pair of pants that improves her self esteem while simultaneously making the world a more peaceful -unicorns in strawberry fields- kind of place...

you're going to throw some money down.

Some folks out there say the 2nd trimester begins at week 12.  Some say week 12 day 1.  Some say week 13.   I've even read week 14 is the beginning...

I'm not sure why they haven't figured that shit out.  Like a long time ago.  Pregnancy ain't nothin' new, ya'll.

Anyhoos.  Here are some fast facts for prosperity:

Cravings:

water

milk

soy chocolate milk

peanut butter and nutella smeared on graham crackers
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
peanut butter crackers (see a theme here?)

Veggie sandwiches

Fiber One cereal

fruit (grapes/apples/bananas)
sleep (obvs)

Loud music with heavy, aggressive guitar (Beastie Boys, White Stripes, Rage Against the Machine)

Aversions:

red onion

vinaigrette

ketchup

people who can get by on 8 hours sleep and feel human

The fatigue is starting to lapse...just a tiny fraction of a piece.  People say it's because I have a 2 year old to chase after that makes the fatigue so much more than with the last pregnancy.  But I think it's more of the HORMONES THAT ARE ROCKING OUT in my brain/body universe.  For example, after washing the sheets on our bed, I was able to get the fitted sheet and flat sheet back in place.  However, it took 5 days FIVE DAYS for me to put pillow cases back on the pillows.

Let's not even talk about the bathrooms.  The colorful ring in the toilet or the toothpaste on the mirrors. 

Or the dust, the vacuuming, the crumbs in the couch that just beckon a small army of ants to just "come on in -there's a buffet up in here!"

My husband, who just happens to be 3000 some odd miles away, is encouraging me to call a cleaning service.

-Think they'll mind if I'm napping while they're here?

I'm also having issues with the whole cooking thing.



Frozen pizza turned Charcoal.  WhOOPs!
Dinner is served, my love!

Please pray for my inner domestic goddess to emerge...

because it ain't pretty over here...

But you wanna see something that IS?



week 12, day 6: Look at the AWESOMENESS!



 (more ultrasound pics to come...I just need to...nap first...)

bathtime at 12 weeks

what the...?



"Mama...is your belly okay?"



"...because it looks...."



"A WHAT?!  A Baby?!?  I can't even look at you right now..."