Kindergarten, Day one.

I'd like to call this post, "why the FUCK am I crying?!"

So here's this kid. That I love more than eyesight. That I love more than love. That I exist more than sleep. That I breathe more than a Merlot needs to after uncorking. 

My first born. My consciously conceived. That I've lost my brain-and-sane more times than I care to care. That I've reevaluated and underestimated and begged for mercy more times than I've had glasses of wine...

 

(today)

Let me get to the point...

...Is starting kindergarten. 

Orientation, the day before day one.
"We Line Up Quiet!"

Is.

Starting. 

Kinder-fucking-Garten. 

And I understand this is the natural progression of things. Of life. I'm not an oblivious idiot who presumed my baby would remain on pause until I screamed "UNCLE!"  

But still. 

 

There's gonna be a bus. There's gonna be 8 pre-sharpened pencils in his backpack. Along with 10 erasable markers, 26 crayons, 3 pocketed folders, a pink erasure, scissors, a lunch box, a change of clothes...

 

Chief Daddy took the morning off to participate in this momentous parent/child milestone.

 

And he's gonna kiss me with a half hearted hug up against my tight, unrelenting embrace, with a "love you too, mom" (if I'm lucky), board that bus and then go be a kindergartener. 

Without me. 

 

And I will gather up my almost 2yo, wave after a bus filled with kids bouncing on seats (without carseats OMG stop thinking about it!!) and wish him well. Wish them ALL well. 

Because.... I have to. 

And then I'll probably go pour a glass of that Merlot that's been breathing for the past hour because...

MILO is starting KINDERGARTEN. 

 

Kindergarten, Day One. 
You got this, Milo-Man...

 

 

 

right now, for a moment...

I know eventually inevitably completely someday soon almost here they will be teenagers...

And they'll "eat me out of house and home" and won't want much to do with me before noon on any given monday/sunday/friday....and they'll have girlfriends (or boyfriends! or both!)...and homework and SATs or recruiters, and curfew and all the other verge of adulthood toeing the boundary issues...

and the days when mommy can make it all better, and the 12:30am, 3:30am feedings and then the other with the "my blanket needs fixing mama!" at 4:30am and then the cartoons and cheerios...and carseats and diapers...teething and potty training...bed time rituals, high chairs and blanket baby playdates...

but for tonight they are mine...just simply, playfully, mine....

warning: mushy nostalgia hormone in effect.

26 weeks pregnant, with Milo

Uh...  Really?  I hardly even look pregnant, much less 6 months along...



26 weeks with #2.

I've met many a-lady who say how different they carried each of their children.  Whether girl or boy or all boys or all girls, each pregnancy was different and unique in their own ways.  And then there are some women who say their pregnancies have been nearly identical.

My lifestyle is certainly a tad different than when prego with de Milo.  I'm not commuting an obscene amount of time and gas up and down the interstate 5 days a week, working 40 hours/week.  I don't have the luxury of sleeping in every weekend.  Well...at least when the husb is off on one of his super important, super top secret excursions across the country and underwater ship cruises.  Otherwise, thankyouverymuch for taking on "dad duty" at 6am on saturdays and sundays... :) Muah, me love you long time!

And the big one:  I have an (almost!) 3 year old to contend with.  Milo has finally caught on to the *change* in mama's belly, the little brother that will metamorphosize this little 3-some into a full-fledged family of four.

"Milo, where's the baby?"

"Mama's belly!"  -as he points to my boob.

Milo has spontaneously kissed my belly -which I used to think was kinda weird when I'd see pics of little toddlers kissing their mom's big 'ol pregnant belly.  But I get it now.  It's love, it's bonding, it's endearing...

And, as I'm closing in on the 2nd trimester -the 3rd (and FiNaL!) showcase showdown in T minus 2 days!- I've been amazed how quickly this prego-lisciousness has gone by.  Some days "easy", some days "painful and achy and yucky and tired and all the above" this has been a wonderful journey I've been blessed/amazed/thankful/happy to make.  And to do it this time around -with more confidence, less anxiety- while sharing it with my *life partner* (yes, I call him that from time to time.  The gays don't get to have all the cool lingo ;) and with my not so little bundle of joy is just all I've never thought I wanted but -and to quote The Sound of Music-

 "Somewhere in my youth, or childhood, I must have done something good..."



hang on, little man...You won't be a singleton for much longer...



16 weeks, is that you?

I've heard -and now believe- that you can feel baby #2 sooner than #1.  I'm definitely more "in tune" to what to expect so when I feel a little something, I'm thinking that must be my little something...

Fish tail is what I'm calling this current feeling in my utero.  There's a fish tail moving in there!!  Feeling the slight and faint movements of a 5 inch (estimated) babe brings me even closer to feeling connected -bonded- to this new being.  For me, early bonding is extremely important.  As each week goes by, attending each appointment, hearing a heartbeat, seeing an ultrasound image, picking a name (still no final answer on that one), and feeling movement -I feel more and more connected to the new life that will enter this family.

When I was prego with Milo I was not as "in the moment."  I just wanted to hurry this little pregnancy inconvenience along so I could return to my life, my body, my jeans, and, most importantly, my sushi and wine.

I may have been 30 years old when I gave birth for the first time, but I was -looking back- hanging on to my selfish, inconsiderate, no good, dirty ways.

I guess I'm a late bloomer.

And, although, there's a part of me that is counting down the weeks, I also know, from experience, that this time really is special.  Really is fleeting.  I'm not taking this for granted. I'm creating someone's husband (hopefully), someone's father (perhaps), someone's friend, someone's cousin, nephew, grandchild... 

His story should begin with a grateful mother who is connected -by more than just a cord and blood- but by authentic spirit and love.

Milo brought me a sense of renewal and gratitude.  This one, #2, is bringing me into process,  the here and now.

Don't be fooled by the calendar. There are only as many days in the year as you make use of. ~Charles Richards

Ain't it pertty?

Happy Valentine's Day LOVERS!!!

eat some Red Velvet cake tonight!
Yum...frosting...

xox

It's evolution, BABY!!

39 weeks, 18 weeks, 5 weeks

(ready to pop prego, honeymoon prego, I need to go vomit prego)

I met these fabulous ladies several years ago while we were working together for the common good at an Employee Assistance Program.  Which is another way of saying: 20-something fresh out of graduate school social workers/counselors sitting in a cubicle with a headset while perusing social networking sites whilst instant messsaging each other about our latest clients and last nights wine debauchery.  I left this post in July 08 once Milo arrived on the scene.  One year later these 2 ladies gave birth to their own male offspring.

And here we are...Pregnant!  AGAIN!  Round TWO!  The next generation is a-coming!

And Ms. 39 weeks gave birth 4 days later in her home!! To a beautiful baby BOY!!

version 2.5 (monkey comparative time!)



Age:1 week.
(like a million years ago! and yet...like yesterday)

age: 2.5

monkey?  TIMELESS!!


  



  



Sunrise, New Year's Eve

Our Lord and Savior, Buzz Lightyear

OH MY, is it just me or is it getting all kinds Merry fuckin' festive in here, ya'll??

Also?  Crystallized Ginger, finally my fingers grasp your shiny skin!

That's right.  I took a picture. 5 minutes of my life.  Right here.



Now I can get on with my in-the-zone cookie bakin' self. Oh, it's not over until I master the Spicy Ginger Crinkle Cookie.

So, my son has himself a fascination with a little known trilogy called Toy Story. Lemme back it up.

two times.  Haaaaaay!!

Every year, since I've been married, the husb and I have parked our happy assess in the parking lot of a nearby Hallmark.  We search their considerate and sap-dripping aisles for the parfait ornament  -that represents our year- to hang on our pretty little Charlie Brown tree.  We have a bride and groom for the year we got married, along with a silver "E" representing my new last name.  We have a lovely set represeting a wine bottle, cheese and a wine glass that displays our love of...well, wine and cheese.  (I have a cat named, Gouda, fer golly-gee sake).  And, of course, we now have several ornaments that relate to our first years as parents.

This shit ain't cheap.  But the memories are priceless....(snort/cough/chug)

And the joy of unwrapping our ornaments and decorating the tree each year and rediscovering/remembering the past years over a bottle of Frangelica is, again, priceless.

So, anysap, this year, as usual, we each bought an ornament representing our year. 

Apparently, you need to do this in, like, October, because Hallmark was seriously lacking. 

You see, Milo has a severe interest in Toy Story.

Guess who was sold out of Woody AND Buzz?

So, we ended up buying him a mini John Deere tractor -representing how much fun he would have riding in the back of Grandma's John Deere.  This here current hometown of ours -in all liklihood- won't be our dwelling place forever so the husb and I figured this also represented the culture with which we live and raising our first born.

Ahem, yes.

And all this is just as well, because I think one look at a Christmas ornament that represents his savior, Buzz Lightyear, he would not take kindly to just leaving it "hang" on a tree...

closeted Haiku artist without the rules of a Haiku...

I am civilized.  Very Very Civilized.  AKA, you can take me out in public, with hats I refuse to buy.

I wait for brunch. I was always serious about the brunches.

We take pictures of each other to pass the time. His smile is patient, too.

Oh Freakin (chick pea fries) Yum.  Well worth the wait.  I need this recipe. Stats & Pronto.

 She had: Smoked Salmon/cream cheese/bagel amazingness.  Very Well Worth the Wait.
All of it went in ma belly. Truth.

He had: blueberry pancakes with creme fraiche. Le Sigh.

Dying...

We sit on front stoops/dirty streets on late nights...

We wait for the show to start (Upright Citizens Brigade).

I take pictures that seem very necessary and immediate at that time. The "philosophy of the life and times of a mattress" conversation embarks at 1am...

We have long, important disCUSSions about McDonalds edged between 2 buildings while we...

sip our tea and eat our bread baskets from across the street...

We go up. High.  Reminence your rooftop blues from a room called: teenage. Or maybe we're really thirty (2)  now..."it's hard to say...it's hard to keep up with time once it's on it's way..."

The beauty grows.  Finding color in this "forest of stone..."

We cover lots of ground whenever we're around...

loves you  aaron dot dot dot...!

ps Happy Thanksgiving!

late October beach

I think we've all seen plenty of pictures that I've taken of my boy at the beach...

But you haven't seen the pictures my good friend, Jaime, has taken of my boy at the beach!

We are raising a generation of huggers...

Sand angels!

Milo insisted I hold him while going down the slide...6 or 7 times...
These moments don't happen as often anymore so I grab hold...



Milo and Ben throwing sand in the water



Little man, Little lady

I've known J. since the 4th GRADE!  From elementary to high school, losing touch as we lived our lives in far off states and travels, dropping random emails here and there and back again now into parenthood and living one county away.  What a joy it is to watch our kids (she's got 2! TWO!!) play together...23 years after we first met...unbelievable this whole time thing...

my happy place

Every so often I head back to where we got married.

and I watch our son play.

Where the weather, where the air, where the energy
is all-ways peace-full

I tell him, "this is where mommy and daddy came together with their families and friends and said "'forever.'"

He runs around happily: soaking, sponging.

contemplating risks

A mixture of nostalgia, stories, deep breathing, harbor noise, big sails, grass, flowers, you, me...

perfection.