3 months



3 days




3 months



You know that movie Monsters vs. Aliens?  The scene when Reese Witherspoon's character -the big giant "Susan"- is holding up the SF bay bridge and trying to save all the civilians who are in their cars from being destroyed by the big bad alien thing?  And her fellow "monsters" aren't doing jack?  And Seth Rogen's character says something like, "WOW, Susan!  You're doing a GREAT job!"  and then she says, 

"I'M DOING EVERYTHING!"

that.

Sir Husbandpants has been home for a brief hot blink of an eye before he Jetplanes back to the abyss of underwater cruising.  And -oh wow- having both of us here for both of them is like...easy peasy puddin' pie life stuff. 




I can take a 3 month old out to a sushi lunch?!  And he just hangs out?  Without crying?!  WHAT?!


One of us can cook dinner (him) while the other plays on the internet with the kids.
One of us can fold the laundry (him) while the other nurses the baby while playing on the internet trucks with the 3yo.
One of us can take 3yo to the park while the other catches up with HGTV the dusting then nursing, the vacuuming then nursing.
One of us can take both the boys and cook breakfast while the other gets an extra 2 hours of sleep washes cloth diapers.

Bottom line, there's been 2 -TWO!- of us this week.  It's been so simply great.

Tomorrow husbanddaddypants leaves again.  When he comes back this guy will be just short of 6 months.

Me is le Sad.

But Ari?  He is le Fantastic.

He continues to be the best of the best, the cute of the cutes, and the easy of the easy.  It's like he intuitively knows that he needs to be cool if we want to get through this deployment with class and style.  He is smily and gurgly and coo-coo cachoo-man all the day light hours.  He gives me a 4-5 hour reprieve at night and when he does wake up it's smack-smack of his lips and a little wiggle-wiggle of the hips and he has me up to feed him. And then we're back down quickly.  All business and back to sleep.

He's on somewhat of a schedule -thanks to having an older brother.  And, due to his youngness and his gowiththeflow personality, he's flexible with the when and where's and how to's when it comes to sleeping and eatting and who holds him and where we go.  OH -except he won't take a bottle.  Oh -fucking-well, I says...

And,yes, I'm tired and overwhelmed and irritable at times and why-me sometimes and I sometimes want to buy a pack of smokes and a six pack of really expensive wine or buy a ticket to the Seychelles but more powerful than all of that is this GREAT BIG LOVE I have for my family. I know there is a bigger picture beyond The Work that goes into The Choices we make.  Life can be sweet whilst in The Weeds, The Trenches of single parenting deployment hassle I'M DOING EVERYTHING months that I'm staring down at.

YUP, I am exhausted and sad and lonely but mostly I'm just happy.  I'm not giving myself any other choice but to embrace where I am at in this moment and not because I HAVE to or it's EXPECTED of me but because

I
Just
Want
to...



Thanksgiving feast at daycare.



here today...



Ari's movie: from EPT to birthday

the first 2 weeks (the honeymoon)

The first 2 weeks of l'Ari (I've turned a French stone in my sleep deprived state of life) have been en liess!  Baby blues?  Not a chance!  (I credit breast feeding hormones.  Thank you oxytocin and prolactin!)  Broken sleep?  No problem (I've got the keen ability to nap...).  Aches and after birth pains? Pssht...handled (thank you Ibuprofen, Tylenol with codeine, sitz baths, and witch hazel pads!) .  Sibling rivalry? Nothing but love.  Dinner? On the table (thanks to my husb on paternity leave and my Mama's group for providing me with some frozen meals! Along with many other goodies!).  Cleanliness of the house?  White gloved perfection (or just too distracted to care at this point).

Breastfeeding issues?  Ari and I are a TEAM! It's like we're the poster people of La Leche.  Seriously though, I'm actually impressed with our ability to do this...for 2 weeks straight!  With every wet/poo diaper I pat myself on the back that I can breastfeed!  At Ari's 2 week appointment he measured at 23 inches (grown 2 inches!) and weighed 8lbs 9oz (gained just under a pound).  Making him around the 50th percentile for weight and above the 100th percentile for height.

No cradle cap. No baby acne.  No rashes, cuts, marks or boo-boos on this perfect creature...



We get about 3 hour stretches of sleep at night.  It's a start...
Otherwise I'm nursing every hour or 2...

 


So, you're the daddy 'round here?!

 



"To split yourself in two, is just the most radical thing you can do."
Ani Difranco

 



The other day Ari was fussing in his car seat.  I asked Milo to talk to his brother to help soothe him.  Milo turns to Ari and says, "It's okay, Ari.  Mommy's here.  Daddy's here. and Milo's here!"
It was a moment for me.
On the occasion that Milo wakes in the middle of the night -possibly from some bad dream or maybe a cat hacking a hairball from under his bed- I go to his room and tell him mommy and daddy are here.  I'm so glad that this not only soothes him back to his pillow to sleep, he remembers it.
And he used these words for his brother. Le sigh...

 

 


I live with these guys.  Me love lots.

  


and I wear my husbands boxers sometimes (I've lost all but 5lbs of the "baby weight!")...Classy Comfort for the "inbetween stage."

 


4 days afer birth, we took Ari to a check-in/up appointment.  His skin,when pressed, turned yellow.  So we had blood drawn.  His bilirubin was 16.3.  At 17 he would have been readmitted to the hospital for light therapy.  Instead we were able to go home with the instructions to feed-feed-feed so he can poop-poop-poop.  We also sat outside in the early morning/late afternoon.  2 days later his numbers were down to 13.  Doc says in his rough Indian accent, "We aren't going to worry about this jaundice anymore...."

 Yellow, yellow go away...




He doesn't remember how much he hated the swing when he was an infant.
Now?  It's a freakin' riot!

 


Psst...mama, I'm hungry!

 


Why, yes, that is my 3y.o. playing Call of Duty: Black Ops.  Probably not the most age appropriate game...
Probably.

 



This couch has gotten a lot of love.





Pretty much the best thing in the entire universe times infinity.

 

Taking Ari out at this age has proven to be a large case of "show and tell."  But me, de Milo and the husb must leave the house!  And with that comes alot of
"Wow, he's so tiny!" 
"You forget how small they are."
"How old is he or she?"
"Look at the little baby!"
"Now THAT is a newborn."
and one...
"In my day, we didn't take the baby out in public until after many months."



Burrito de Milo.
Milo has observed many swaddle sessions with his little brother.  So, one night, he requested the same.



Laundry is nothing short of Insane.  I'm impressed with the amount of clothing a newborn goes through, along with the 3 other folks that reside with him.  Milo enjoys "helping" out...



On Ari's 2 week post birthday -day, the husb and I took him out to dinner.  With white linen napkins and appetizers and salad and shrimp and scallops.  It was a fancy time.
Fortunatly we were surrounded by seasoned parents who didn't mind a baby in their fancy restaurant date night atmosphere.
Course, Ari stayed on the boob for most of the experience...





so far...so cool...

 

38 weeks

Knowing every public restroom in a 50 mile radius from my home has been my privilege

Stats of the week:

Still to go:
14 days  ANY FLIPPIN' DAY NOW PLEASE

Total weight gain:
22.5 lbs

Blood pressure:
100/50

Measuring at:
39 weeks

As of yesterday's appointment I'm holding strong at 3cm and 75% effaced.  Baby is at -2 station.

My doc thinks she'll see me next week at the 39 week appointment but in the same breath says, "But things can change quickly!  Call me if you have 5 strong contractions within one hour or your water breaks."

Dear Water,
You've broken before on your own.  I know you can do this again.  Now be a good bag of water and POP GODDAMIT!  Preferably in the privacy of my home and when I'm standing on hard wood floor.
Very Respectively,
MME

Dear Contractions,
Although I've been feeling you on/off for a weeks now, you're really not giving me all you got.  I know you can do better.  Remember 3 years ago when you had me doubled over the nurse's station in Labor and Delivery and I was punching my husband in the chest/stomach/arms and yelling "This Fucking SUCKS!" and the triage nurse thought I was saying "NO Fucking SEX!" ? Now *those* we're some bad-ass contractions.  Even though I had to numb you down with a big fat needle, you did a great job getting everything ready for the birth of my darling Milo. 

Now let's revisit the good 'ol days, shall we?  And then we can put all this pregnancy business behind us.
V/R,
MME

The baby boy who is enjoying my uterus way too much and ignoring all eviction notices I have posted
is still plenty active.  Fierce kicks are easily and frequently felt in the ribs.  He hiccups daily and it usually begins just as I'm lying down for the night.

It used to be cute, but things have changed.

Labor dust fairies...please sprinkle your magic upon me...

Don't let the "I'm not amused" look fool you...I've got *plenty*of humor left in me.  Sort of.

My little drag queen
"Hey, mama!  Let's turn on some Madonna and VOGUE!"

As I was in the bathroom for the 3,405th time, Milo spontaneously loops one of my bras around himself and says, "Look at me, mama, look at ME!"

Thank you, Milo, for reminding me to not take myself so seriously.  You da bests!

Oh, hello, 37 weeks, pleased to meet you! (on the otherside of pre-term)

37 weeks was my goal, and here it is!  In all its big 'ol belly-heartburn-stomach acid in the mouth-up 27 times a night-sore pelvis-achy back-feet in ribs GLORY!!

The positive side?  Still without a stretch mark, clear skin, thick hair and more than acceptable weight gain.  And, of course, the healthy baby boy evolving in there...

Man, it feels good to be on the other side of "pre-term!"

One glorious body memory I will take with me is the living, the evolution of this impressive baby growing business.  Each week a milestone in Life: pregnancy, childhood, marriage...

The sigh of relief to meet a new day, to check off another week, each doc appointment met with "normal" results, to greet my husband home after each trip (and still pregnant!), witnessing my son lift up his shirt, stick out his bare belly and say, "Oh, baby brother!"

The good stuff ain't always the easy and fun stuff, but what makes it good is that process and the processing through it...

I dig on gratitude when I'm sitting/walking/standing/lying down in an ever-increasing awkward state.  Because, really...there's a life doing the same thing in my body.  Awkwardly twisting to find the most optimal comfort.

There's a LIFE.

The weeks and days before Milo arrived I didn't spend much time on thinking about how life would change. I just assumed he would fit neatly into our lives. 

He may have come barrelling down the turnpike at breakneck speed, smoking cigarettes and blaring The White Stripes just to drop his baggage off in the foyer and then prop his feet up on my couch and sing merrily, "Hi, I'm here. What's for dinner? TAKE CARE OF ME NOW"

And I would stand with confusion staring at all the accessories I felt was necessary to acquire in order to fully parent and think, "Now what?

What child is this?  And when is your real mother coming to take you home?!"

Motherhood, the first time around certainly did not (and never will) define me. But motherhood, most certainly invited me, encouraged me, demanded of me to define myself and to open my consciousness and accept that LOVE doesn't come from one particular party.

And I've had alot of party...

There was a time when carseats, cheeto cheesed-out fingers smeared on the windows, and a $100 worth of diapers (pull-ups and newborns!) in the trunk of my car would have seriously cramped my swagger...

Now?  It's a new kind of party...the party that actually loves me back...

The next task for me as I enter the Grand Finale is to continue to "let go."  Somehow I've come this far in my life (as a mother, wife, woman).  I made up this saying when I was 23 that went something like this, "I didn't drive 2,550 miles on good looks and charm."  I came this far just fine.  More than fine, actually...

I need to continue to let go and continue trusting in the process, in the unfolding...This baby will arrive in his time, at the right time.  He already belongs to this family.  Always enough love...

37 weeks

Still to go: 3 weeks-ish

which is:
21 days-ish

the baby is as big as a:
watermelon (19 to 22 in, 6.5 lbs) estimated

total weight gain:
22 lbs

measuring at:
38 weeks

Group B Strep test is:
NEGATIVE!

AND HOLY SHIZ, YA'LL....

I'm 3cm dilated and 75% effaced!!

22 weeks (mother's day)

This week the baby is as big as a spaghetti squash *8 inches, 1 lb*

This week also marks the beginning of heartburn, 'roids, and melasma.  But, hey, mama got a cute bump.

For mother's day weekend, we took to the road w/ my mom and went as far east as we could (without leaving the U.S., that is).

The past 2 summers of taking Milo to the ocean were -in a word- challenging.  He had no tolerance for "hanging out" under an umbrella and relaxing next to the tides.  Oh no.  This year -albeit a short weekend jaunt- he was more persauded to bond with the beach and just enjoy....



helping Granny put up the tent



We had beatiful -72 degree-weather and no crowded beach!



I do believe I have a beach lover on my hands.  Finally!



And I did a little of this...




and experienced a little of that



and then we got busy with some other stuff...



The hotel -being "family friendly"- had an arcade next to the (indoor!) pool. 



Every morning, Milo was very interested in going down there to play.  And -at times-pick his nose.




And lotso quarters were used...



We headed down to the boardwalk and Milo got some superb aeriel views from the Carousel.



and rode some fancy rides.

This is one of my proudest moments (not just because I'm sporting some pregnancy boobage).  Milo is not one for restaurants.  And he sat here in a booth.  The entire time.  I ate a salad and 2 slices of pizza while sitting -not chasing a 2 year old around while waiting for a to-go order! Total WIN.  I might have let him play with knives in order to stay seated.  Ahem,yes.



Thank you, mom, for making this a special weekend for us.  (And putting up with my moody, uncomfortable, wish my husband was home, pregnant and sober self!)



And thank you, Milo, for making me a mom (and reminding me to have fun and play a little...)