saturday, 56 degrees, last day of winter.

Slurping up the remains of a mild winter here in Maryland.  The winter that brought me the new life twirling inside me.  The winter that kept us inside.  Me: couch bound and dizzy with nausea and fatigue. You: in constant motion and talking and dizzy for more.



The last winter where it's just you and me.





and me and you.





Every day a new strength
Every hour a new awareness
Every moment full



I love stepping back and watching you play.  Surrounded by mini sand dunes made by friends and neighbors that have come and gone.
It's always easier making friends with bare feet in the sand. You taught me that.




or just roaming aimlessly where the land is soft...where there were once fish who then grew hands, then fingers, then prints... Marking up  the earth...simple and lovely, only potential known here...from a single cell...




to where the textures change...
and Oh, oh yes, how they'll change -in the speed of exploding star matter- shape shifting from a dream body to a grain of sand to a crawling-walking-running life force.

Seasons, bodies, minds -not just changing- but evolving... There's a universal consciousness in constant.  A solitude in knowing that every mankind has pressed their foreheads up against the same questions of fear and love.  Strange, unreliable dreams quickly forgotten in the stir of awakening -but the moments -where I freeze my frame- I only hear your laugh.

Thank you, winter, on ending on such a...note...

play on...

like a deep blue sea on a blue blue day

"Blue eyes

baby's got blue eyes

like a clear blue sky

watching over me

blue eyes

I love blue eyes

When I'm by her side

where I long to be

I will see

Blue eyes laughing in the sun

laughing in the rain

Baby's got blue eyes

And I am home, I am home again"

~elton john

2 Years young

Dearest Milo,

I've turned on a dime and there you are calling me mama, eatting a popsicle and showing me where every clock, kitty, dog, circle, star, airplane and baby is in a book.

You easily eat with a fork -steak, lamb, chicken.  You easily drink from a cup (and sometimes straight from the juice carton!) -protein shakes, carrot smoothies, water...and, your favorite, JUICE!

You walk up and downstairs, jump on and off furniture, you give spontaneous hugs to your friends.

You laugh at Sesame street, stare in amusement at The Wiggles, and dance with Barney.  You ask for Yo Gabba Gabba (GA-GA, GA-GA) by name every morning.

You easily say "Hi" to every "baby" at the grocery store and wave "bye bye" to others in the parking lot as they drive away.

You grab your ear and say "loud!" when a motorcycle drives by and shout "TRUCK" when you see them in the road or parking lot.  You shout "plane!" when one flies high above, and you easily spot the "moon!" no matter if it's day or night...

You sleep through the night.  (HALLELUJAH...HALLELUJAH!)

But you still get up between 5:30 and 6am.  6:30 if we're lucky...

When you were 3 days old we returned to the hospital for a bilirubin check.  You're jaundice numbers were pretty high at your birth.  A mere 24 hours ago we had been discharged.  There was a lady in front of me who was holding her baby.  I overheard her say that her son was 1 week old.  I remember staring at her in complete awe and amazement. 

I remember thinking, "WOW. She survived the first week.  It can happen!" It was Monday morning and I hadn't slept since Thursday.  When I presented you to the world that Friday morning I was so excited, hormones and adrenaline surging through my body! You were finally in my arms, a perfect tiny human.

When I was pregnant I remember, embarrasingly, thinking: I can't wait to have this baby and feel normal again!  Thinking my life would shift right back to how it was before conception.

Ha! You've taught me better than that...

You have joined our life and we joined yours.  Everyday I seek out a new balance.  Your awareness, your consciousness, your personality gets bigger as you go through your day, exploring the world around you.

The past 2 years have been a ride.  Moments where I have felt completely intolerant, inept, and so bothered with...everything.  I remember feeling guilty for needing sleep.  I was angry at my body for not being able to get by on little/interrupted sleep. Crazy, I know.  Thinking, I should just know how to do this!  And do it well!  I have books, I'm educated goddamnit!

But it wasn't until I put the books down, opened up and tuned in to my instincts, and asked for help, that I started feeling some confidence in parenting.

Don't get me wrong...I'm still fumbling my way through....

It takes work.  All different kinds of work (emotionally, financially, patience, common sense, phone calls, play dates, shopping, nutrition, exercise, vino regulation...) to make it ALL WORK.

So the pay off?

Well, I think we all know the answer to that...

Milo turns 2!!  And continues to break hearts.  Specifically mine...

keep growing my little baby boo-boo bear, but not too fast...

TWO!

love,

mama

a series of notes too big for a post-it

Dear Milo,
I know I shouldn't pee in front of you, but it's going to happen. Mostly because you can't handle a shut door. Unless you, yourself, are shutting it. It's a fantastic game you play with yourself. Open, shut, turn knob, swing door between hands, oh so freakin' fun, shut, open, and again.

oh yeah, peeing...

so I flush the toilet, stand up and who comes rushing in with a toy in hand? oh I don't know...

and who decides to drop the toy into the toilet while it's flushing? oh I don't know....

and who -despite a plunger and a wire coat hanger (I SAID NO WIRE HANGERS!!) cannot dislodge said toy?

For future reference rising water in a toilet is not cool.

love,
mama

Dear Milo,
tonight I decided to invite a couple of friends over for dinner and girl convo/playdate for you and your friend Parker. At one point during the evening you find it funny to yell in your friend Parkers face and then promptly snatch his sippy cup out of his mouth.

you then happily suck away on the sippy cup as if it belongs to you. As if you don't have plenty of sippy cups of your own. As if you don't prefer the bottle. As if it's going to take many more months to wean you from that damn bottle. As if I'm not sure if it's me or you who is having a hard time bottle weaning. wait...what??

Milo, this is how syphilis is spread. Knock it off.

love,
mama


Dear Milo,
speaking of syphilis, you had your first kiss today. Let me clarify. Your first man kiss.

So during said playdate/ladies night in, you and your friend Parker were playing quite nicely on the floor. Parker was taking a moment, laying down on his back. You then, very quickly, bent down and put your forehead to his and then sweetly mashed lips.

Nobody in the room missed this moment. Oh I wish my camera had caught this sight!! But, because I'm a parent, and I have to parent you on what is appropriate (please hold your laughter) I have to inform you on the concept of personal space.

Next time, please ask your intended if they have syphilis.

love,
mama

Poo and other Sh*t

Dear Milo,

Today you have successfully passed poo 4 times.

Do you think tomorrow you could take the day off? I'm not asking for much...just let all those vitamins and minerals from the food I'm (forcing you to eat through doggie inspired cat vomit smelling Gerber jarred up food) lovingly making by scratch sans salt get good and marinated with your growing bones, strong muscles and beautiful (10!) teeth...

and then we could revisit the poo, say...Saturday afternoonish?

sweet.

So, in other thoughts, by the time you read this, you should find this post quite funny. For, unless you are able to google your name by the time you're 5, you won't know of how awesomely funny your mother can be. Otherwise, I'm afraid you will begin the long journey of being embarrassed by your parents. Welcome to.

It'll sort of be like a 30th birthday present...Happy Birthday SoN!! Here's the URL to a blog that I've kept since you were born! Isn't it AWESOME!!

And this will be funny, because by then, you may possible have made me a grandma. HELL YEAH! And you'll be thinking, wow, my mom...even WAY BACK THEN, had a sense of humor!

If you don't share in the humor....then obviously you were switched at the hospital by that funny looking nurse who kept coming in to check on dilation...("I said Chardonney, NOT epidural!!")

too much?? alright, this seems like a good place to stop anyhow.

dilation.

happy 30th!

ps If you poo tomorrow, I'll still love you...We can negotiate on something else...say, you sleeping 14 hours at night...yes?

July 18, 2008: Universe Interupted...a son is born.

Dear Milo,

It's your first birthday. One year. Let's have a moment.

Here are a few of my favorite things:
My absolute favorite milestone was when I could fit back into a pair of size 6 jeans.
(I joke! Not about the size 6, but about it being my favorite milestone!)
Thank you Milo for not reaking crazy, irreversable havoc on my body. No stretch marks, no extra skin, no short haircuts. Also, thank you for arriving a month early. I got to miss out on those final weeks of increasing uncomfortability, irritability, and obscene weight gain. This probably saved your father and I from divorce. It definitely saved our dishware. I'd also like to thank you for the mere 7 hours of labor and 20 minutes of pushing. We have successfully pissed off all those first time mothers who were overdue and in labor for over 24 hours. High Five!

Your crib

Your father and I ventured out one evening to buy the Crib. After extensive and thought-provoking conversations (like any neurotic 1st time mom overanalyzing every baby product) we settled for a lovely 4 in 1 Jardine Convertible Crib. Cherry.

Of course, it did not fit into the car. The car we bought when I was 5 months pregnant. For you. Baby wanted leather interior, Bluetooth, Bose speakers and Navigation. All for you.

Anyhoo, we took each peice of the crib out of the box and carefully placed them in the car. All except the headboard peice. No matter which way we angled it, the damn thing refused to fit! So we put it on the roof, and since we did not have any bungee cords or rope, your father held onto the bars through the sunroof. All 30 miles back home. His hand was uncommonly numb upon arrival. I was so damn nervous that the peice would fly off and hit another car that I drove 30 mph with my flashers on. My fellow road warriors loved this, seeing as how the speed limit was 55 mph. I thought for sure my stress hormones were going to affect you into premature delivery. Or a cleft palate.

Which brings me to this: the crib, after all that, is now being recalled. I'll be adding that to the list of "shit I will probably never get to." We bought this crib in the hopes of it lasting for years and years...at least through your PhD graduation.

At least.

However, the bite marks, scratches, and now with the recall, I'm thinking the crib was a giant waste of money. Your future little bro or sis will suffer for this by sleeping in an el cheapo cribo.

Apathy

I've had to bid farewell to it. You've taught me that apathy has no room in parenthood. I can't just leave my razor on the shower floor. I have to put down the hot coffee or glass of wine before I pick you up. I can't let the floor pile up with knives. Can't do it.

Very few things "easy" about parenthood. It's trial by fire. One stage gets resolved, just to be replaced by an even more complicated phenomenon. Let's get real. The people who say "It'll get easier" are just trying to get you to shut up. So put your pants back on and lets get on with it.

I now understand why my mother, your grandmother, would be so excited on my birthday, my school graduations, and on my wedding day. She would make sure she got a picture of her wearing my birthday hat, my graduation cap, and even my wedding veil. My mother was celebrating too. My milestones were her milestones. I get this now. She wasn't trying to steal my thunder or embarrass me. I think.

So far I have witnessed everyone of your milestones (smiling, rolling over, sitting, standing, walking, pooping outside the diaper)...and you can count on me wearing your tux on your wedding day.

I joke.

Maybe.

One day you will look at this blog and my hope is that you will see your childhood as a time filled with laughter, adventure, and love. You have changed the course of my life, filling it with pure unconditional devotion and light.

You will never know all the pleasure I receive in your smile. Happy 1st Birthday, son...

love,

mama