taste like crazy to me or "I'm going to blog until the battery on this laptop dies or you start snoring"

you're mom named you "Kendahl."  I'm sorry. The name itself is cool.  The spelling is not.  My opinion.

I'm not sure if I prefer "poodle muffin" or "Darlin."  both are annoying to me on any given monday, tuesday, wednesday, etc....

twitter is brilliant. it’s the question that will always have an answer, “What are you doing?”

EXCEPT: If Twitter was a girl it would so give you more that 140 characters to speak your mind.


Clearly this medication is not counteracting the paranoia side effects of the trail mix.
 
One reason my marriage is still strong is because I've never said this to him: "I gotta go blow my nose, snot’s flying out."
 
I think it's silly when people on Facebook refer to themselves in the 3rd person on their status updates.  UNLESS, it's their personal assistant/spouse/au pair/mother who is typing for them.  Then it's okay.
 
there's quite a few people that need to attend facebook rehab.  Admit they are FBaholics, that they are powerless to their addiction and their life has become unmanageable.  Perhaps Betty Ford will  heed to the call and open a wing for us you.


The title of this post is indeed the most inspiring of titles of all titles of this blog.  I think this calls for a moment of silence.  The “awe” kind of silence, not the “someone’s dead” kind of silence.

Oh look, he's snoring...

room for improvement or is it too late to call SuperNanny?

are you pregnant and expecting a boy? GOOD LUCK.

because there are all sorts of idiosyncracies that arise like peanut butter, cabinetry, and beer.

"but wait a minute, Mrs. Mad E, your son is only 15 months, what do you really know about raising a son? -you've got a long way to go!" "And, besides which, I'm sure girls can give out all sorts of idiosyncracies as well..."

Ah, yes, it's true.  Every door I've walked through lately be it the grocery store, another mother's home, Djibouti, I hear of stories that challenge my supposed wisdom.  And it is good.

It gives me a warm and fuzzy knowing that every baby, every mother, every family, really is unique in it's structure. No one peice of advice, no one cliche, no one quirk, no one secret little remedy is the answer to the many -oh, so many- scenes from HOW THE HELL DO I HANDLE THIS ONE??

You do what works -for you -at the moment.

Because, being Ms. Nostalgia  prone to being self-reflective, I am inclined to looking back at how I handled a moment and wonder if it was something I can be proud of.

Some times, most times, it's not. But that is the room of improvement.

And the day I don't have room for that...is no good day at all...

 "Here, son, you don't want to eat tofu and broccoli? Have a jar of peanut butter..."

"You want to grab my hair, head butt me, and then pull your weight to the floor? You need a time out in the cabinet..."

 "Son, if you wanna sleep good tonight, go get yourself a brown bottle..."

Enlisted seamen, Navy wives, 1984 alumni, midshipmen, and the French army. Just, you know, hanging out.

Every so often the opportunity arises for Enub (Eason none useful body) and I to hang out. Sans all things baby! Here are some highlights (i.e. pics that don't make me look completely drunk/silly/fat) of the day.  From tailgating to the French Army, you never know where the day takes you!

I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed

after a few beers and lots of shots of rum, we are off to see Wakeforest get beaten down by Navy...

but first...MORE BEER!

the seats were good even though....

I had no idea what was going on...here is Justin trying to explain to me the basics of football.  Here's me pretending to be listening, meanwhile I'm thinking,"I hope we're both in this shot."

It's half-time and we find a tent. With beer. AND wine!  Even though it's a private alumni function, and none of us look like we graduated from the US Naval Academy in 1984.  But hey, money talks....

And here's me with a couple elite members of the French Army.  You know, just hanging out.

More pics on FB. But I think you get the gist...

In this New World chaos reins

FINE. Don't eat your lunch or your dinner. Fill up on Puffs and Mum Mums.  Nutrition and balanced meals are way overrated-for the birds!  Wait, you want what's on my plate and in my glass?  Of course, what's mine is yours!  Cry cry wiggle squirm climb kick and cry some more as I change the 23rd diaper in 4 hours. In fact, fuck diapers, just shit wherever you'd like.  Throw heavy and loud toys across the hardwood floor. We can always fix those scratches and dings with a rug!

Take a metal spoon and bang it on the glass window. Watch CARTOONs. Watch the Playboy channel for all I care! Here, let me lock it in for you.  Wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row, we can be twins! Except I'm spraying on some "date night" perfume: Chanel #5.  Because I have PLENTY of it!  And now I've secured an olfactory memory for you.  You'll never be able to pass by a well-educated, sophisticated, filthy rich woman (not unlike myself) without thinking of your mother.  But in the meantime, smear peanut butter all over your face. Smack my head, pull my hair, bite my leg...SURE, I can hold you!  All Day? No problem! You hate getting in your carseat? That's cool, sit anywhere you'd like. And BTW, playing classical music too soothe a household and make a baby smarter?  NOT SO MUCH.

FINE

(this year for Halloween I'll be dressing up as the mad housewife. Bit of stretch, but I think I can pull it off....)

why you shouldn't invite me to cocktail parties Part 1

Ever have one of those moments of, "Oops, maybe this isn't the right crowd to be saying this to..." because you suddenly figure out that they're not going to appreciate the fact that one of your cats is an asshole. That she probably needs Prozac to keep from headbutting me in the middle of the night, nudging me out to the edge of the bed and then go,

"Oh, did I wake you? So anyways...thanks for saving me from the wilds of Worcester, MA and taking me to the 'burbs of Maryland, but now it's time for you to take me on a kick-ass vacation where I can be a NINJA at night, prowling the forest for the woods...PUNK."

Or something like that, I was tired at the time. Memory fades and there was probably a baby crying. (Possibly because he found a fowl tasting peice of floss in the crib...(huh?)

But some crowds may not be into that kind of cocktail talk. Apparently....

Nanny Deprivation

1) Have you ever eaten a random cheerio, puff, or pretzel just because you had no where else to put it?

2) Have you ever vowed to never again wear white due to constant grime,bodily fluids, and dirt showing minutes after you've gotten
dressed?

3) Have you ever used your garden hose to wash down a high chair, stroller or child?

4) Have you ever walked around with a half eaten cookie in your pocket?

5) Do you look forward to going to the doctor or dentist just so you can sit in the waiting room and read a magazine by yourself?

6) Have you ever used a public restroom while holding a child on your lap because there was no where else to put them?

7) Have you watched Yo Gabba Gabba? I'm so sorry if you have!

8) Have you ever found marshmallows in your slippers?

9) Have you ever counted down the hours until bedtime?

10) Have you perfected the fine art of changing pee soaked sheets while still mostly asleep?

11) Have you been forced to discuss or explain the plot of a Disney movie while trying to merge onto an interstate in rush hour traffic?

12) Have you ever had to use preschool safety scissors to cut a major package because that was all you could find?

13) Have you ever cleaned grilled cheese off of your sunglasses?

14) Have you ever answered the door wearing "princess jewlery"?

15) Have you ever run out of batteries on PURPOSE?

16) Have you named your dust buster and consider it part of your
family?

17) Can you tell what time it is based on what show is on Noggin or Nick Jr.?

**brought to you by http://www.nannydeprived.com/ *****

have you flossed today?

"Floss the teeth you want to keep."  This saying goes through my head at least several times a week.  It reminds me to floss.  Some scare tactics to live a healthy lifestyle actually work on me.  This is one of them.  You'd think after countless one or two cavities, 4 some odd years of braces, wearing a headgear, and later on, a nightgaurd for the grinding, and a family history of bad teeth,  I would be Nazi clean teeth lady. 

yeah, not so much.

I have been known to giving Milo a peice of floss twice a day every once in awhile.  He actually runs it through his teeth, tasting the minty goodness.  I believe in starting good habits early.  And besides the good oral hygiene-ness of it all, it keeps him occupied, happy, and QUIET for a good 10 minutes while I floss my own teeth.  ahem.

The flaw here is that I'm not paying attention to where the floss ends up.

So there's a little background for you.  Here's the rest of the story...

crowd pleasers

climbing and duck choreography

He's a climber.  This doesn't make me nervous AT ALL...

quick question: Does this picture make my ass look big?

And then he climbed himself into this infant swing! 

Did I mention he likes to climb?  Check out those boots, ya'll...

oh? my other job?  I'm a duck choreographer. I'm pitching this idea to "So You Think You Can Dance." If they don't buy into it, I'm going to "Dancing with the Stars."  Just think, you can say "I knew her when...."

Nostalgia takes place because my husband would rather play video games

This amazing photo was taken at 8 months of preg-head (around 30 weeks or so).  My BFF, who, as of right now, is still NOT A FOLLOWER of this informative and entertaing as-all-get-out BLOG, came down to visit me for the baby shower (I only had one because I don't have enough friends who love me, OH, and I never had a bachelorette party either.  Because, "I was really busy and life was so crazy and BLAH BLAH BLAH) and to marvel at my big 'ol flabby ass and puffed out face perfect bowling ball of a stomach.

We visited Anne Marie Gardens which is truly a wonderful place.  Part of this opinion comes from my high regard of the Hirshhorn Museum.  This was the first Museum I visited as an Art Studio major in College.   My fellow drawing students meandered around and we drew in our sketch books the art that "spoke" to us.  Every trip to D.C. I make it a point to visit this Museum, and revisit some of my favorite peices.  The Gardens have on loan many of the sculptures from this museum. (sigh).  I'm a big fan of abstract expressionism.  I see it as a fusion of philosophy and art. Some dig it, some don't. But in my mind, Caldor and de Kooning can do no wrong...

I took this image at the Sotterley wine fest.  You can't say it doesn't make you smile in immature amusement.

To the average single lady who doesn't have kids, this picture may be a huge turnoff...

.To the average married mama, this is a huge TURN ON!! 

Hands off, ladies, HE'S ALL MINE!

This is Milo at around 1-2 months.  Newborns are born with all sorts of reflexes.  This pic is my attempt at capturing the tonic reflex a.k.a. the fencing reflex.  I'm also trying to lure my child into being an NRA card carrying member.  Soon, he realized what I was trying to do and he screamed at me, "Give me my goddamn tie-dye one-sie, cloth diaper, and stick your boob in my mouth -NOW!"  Too bad this outfit doesn't fit him now, I totally would make him wear it for Halloween!

Speaking of newborns, whether you are a parent or not, I'm sure you know the direct correlation of baby and sleep deprivation. Before Milo joined us, I was under the impression that this passes, that sleep deprivation is a phase.  In my experience, it is not.  It is a way of life.   Milo began getting a 6 hour stretch of sleep at around 3 months.  6 hours may sound heavenly, but this ended at 2am.  And though Milo, went down at 8pm, I did not.  After that, he was up every 2 hours.  By the end of the 4th month his bottom 2 teeth started popping through.  Ever since then, it's been one tooth after another.  I think we're up to 12 teeth now.  But, every time I stick my finger in his mouth to fish out whatever random object he has located (despite my OCD-like cleaning) or to see how many teeth are now erupting, he bites me!  Yes, the little darling bites.

Teething, over-saturated diaper, colds, and/or whatever crazy dream that little guy may be having wakes him at random times during the night, any night of the week.  I honestly thought that once a child doesn't need the night feedings (I've read once they turn 12lbs, I think that is a load of shit as well) then they will magically sleep "like a baby" through the night...NOPE.

And, yes, as much as I love my son, and love parenthood, you will never see a sign like this in my front yard:

read by tens of people every month

What you been up to, ya'll? Oh, a little this, that, and the other thing..

Here's me and my boy playing in some corn

Riding a tracteur...

Petting some stinky animal...

feeding the local ducky ducks...

learning how to play Guitar Hero!

and, in general, just playing it real cool...(yeah, we're not pants people, per se)

Milo so far...

Letter to Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I have been a super good boy this year.  I feel I have pretty much set the Gold Standard for anything Awesome.  So I hear Christmas is coming up and now that I'm a bit more "with it" this year, I'd like to go ahead and give you some direct input on my preferences...Here's a little something I came across today while shopping with the 'rents:

Look at me!  I'll demonstrate what a good driver I am!

Well, since I inherited my inpatience from my mother...I was willing to settle for this:

It's perfect for when I'm watching the Big Game!

I hope you're having a great day!  I think you are awesome, and you can come visit me ANYTIME!

Love,
your favorite and only bestest grandson...Milo!

Bouncy chair comparative

Once upon a time, there was a 4 month old who loved to lay back in his bouncy chair...

soon enough, though, he outgrew the seat... 

So we put away the beloved bouncy chair and revelled in the sight of a free sitting baby...

Fast foward a year or so, and the little one has become a standing, walking, climbing toddler...Milo's adventurous spirit led him to the discovery of the long forgotten infant bouncy seat...and here we have it folks...the bouncy chair comparitive...long live the bounce!!

Don't get any ideas...

Milo and I are blessed to have so many friends to play with.  But everytime we visit their homes, Milo gets all these grandiose ideas on items he thinks he should have.  Such as...

a toddler wicker chair...

a wine fridge...

a rocking horse...

a toddler chair and table set...

Cake!

a toy ride thingy

pull out cabinet drawars, tile flooring...

an unending supply of Puffs...

A big 'ol TV...

and finally a big, comfy couch for all his friends!

* disclaimer:  this is in no way my Christmas wish list.  No matter what this may look like!  I'm just sayin'!!