FINE. Don't eat your lunch or your dinner. Fill up on Puffs and Mum Mums. Nutrition and balanced meals are way overrated-for the birds! Wait, you want what's on my plate and in my glass? Of course, what's mine is yours! Cry cry wiggle squirm climb kick and cry some more as I change the 23rd diaper in 4 hours. In fact, fuck diapers, just shit wherever you'd like. Throw heavy and loud toys across the hardwood floor. We can always fix those scratches and dings with a rug!
Take a metal spoon and bang it on the glass window. Watch CARTOONs. Watch the Playboy channel for all I care! Here, let me lock it in for you. Wear the same clothes for 2 days in a row, we can be twins! Except I'm spraying on some "date night" perfume: Chanel #5. Because I have PLENTY of it! And now I've secured an olfactory memory for you. You'll never be able to pass by a well-educated, sophisticated, filthy rich woman (not unlike myself) without thinking of your mother. But in the meantime, smear peanut butter all over your face. Smack my head, pull my hair, bite my leg...SURE, I can hold you! All Day? No problem! You hate getting in your carseat? That's cool, sit anywhere you'd like. And BTW, playing classical music too soothe a household and make a baby smarter? NOT SO MUCH.
FINE
(this year for Halloween I'll be dressing up as the mad housewife. Bit of stretch, but I think I can pull it off....)
1 comment:
You crack me up Lynsey.
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