30 weeks and signs that suggests the existence of fact, condition, or quality

Signs you are a parent of a toddler:

1. You have no problem deciphering sentences like, "Ova da smah beez! SMAH BEEZ MAMA!"

2.  You find it endearing when he says, "I tooted!  I tooted again!"

3.  You find yourself counting to three several times a day.  "One.  TWO.  THREE!  Get over here, NOW!"

4.  Upon arriving at the grocery store you go straight to the nearest display of chips and ask your toddler to choose one so that you may shop in (relative) peace and timeliness.  And to keep him in the cart.

5.  And then, upon checkout, forget about the empty bag of doritoes in your pocket and -unintentionally- shoplift (whoops!).

6.  You find yourself *giving in* and letting the child have a popsicle at 7:30 in the morning (peace and quiet, yes?).  And then you wonder why he won't eat his cheerios and banana.  And then, the next morning, wonder why you're dealing with a whiny toddler for 20 minutes because he heard the words, "We don't eat popsicles in the morning.  It's breakfast time! Now eat your Cheerios!"

7.  You have increased upper body strength from "airplaning" a tantruming toddler from the car to the house.  Or from the store to the car.  Or from the playground to the car. Or...

8.  After a time out, you approach the toddler to explain to him why he was in time out and he says, "NO, GO AWAY. YOU STAY BACK!"

9.  You ask the toddler if he would like a piece of granola bar.  He says, "NO, WANT IT!"  Then as you turn away, toddler quickly whines, "GIVE IT TO ME!  I want bar!  I want bar!"

10.  You measure your time in how many hours left until naptime, or bedtime.

11.  You measure your worth by the words, "Mommy, come sit down" as toddler pats the space next to him.


photo curt-sy of this biotch



Signs you are pregnant and you have a toddler:

1.  You find toddler to be oh-so-cute and observant when he says, "Mommy toot!  Mommy toot AGAIN!"

2.  "Mommy burped!  Mommy burped again!"

3.  Toddler says, "Mommy tummy big!  OH, BIG TUMMY!"  As he lifts up your dress or shirt and starts smacking and poking your stomach.

4.  The morning ritual of toddler tip toeing into your room and then loudly exclaiming, "Get up mommy!  Wake UP!"

5. And then he says, "Mommy, where's da pants? Oh, put on your pants..."

6.  You're toddler looks more well rested/well fed and overall more put together than you do.

7.  You find yourself saying to your spouse, "Mommy's going to go potty and then it's naptime."

8.  You look down at your shirt and see traces of toothpaste, peanut butter, and juice.  And you could care less because you're down to a select few fitting and stylish shirts.

9.  You watch the show, "I didn't know I was pregnant" and think, "Who are these dumb bitches who were lucky enough not to have ONE symptom of pregnancy AND they already have a child?!"

10.  You think shaving, wearing make-up, and putting on dangling earrings are for skinny, well-rested bitches who get to drink tequila with people over the age of 2. (at least).  And a "night cap" is 2 Tums chased by a shot of Peptobismal.  At the late hour of 9pm.

11.  You measure your time in weeks.

12.  You many have bouts of forgetfulness but you know EXACTLY how many weeks pregnant you are and how many weeks left.

13.  You measure your self worth by the words, "Mommy, I want big tummy, too!"

Stats of the resident prego:

Still to go:
10 weeks

Which is:
70 days

Time passed:
30 weeks

Weight gain:
13.5lbs

Fundal height:
measuring at 32 weeks.  Which means I'm measuring 2 weeks bigger than I should be.  Doc says this is not cause for changing the due date.    Psshhht. She's no fun...

Blood Pressure:
110/50 (cool as a cucumber)

And, starting this week, "do your kick counts!"  Uh...no problem with that one, doc.  Bytheway, is there such a thing as TOO much movement?  And, no, I'm not fueling myself with power-sugar-energy coffee drinks...that's just the way he is rollin' baby!!  And that baybay is kickin' and punchin' and elbowin' and kneein' EV-VER-RY-WHERE!

I'd also like to welcome back my old friend, Shortofbreath.

"You might get winded easily as your uterus expands beneath your diaphragm, the muscle just below your lungs."

NO SHIT.

In related news, stomach acid does not belong in my throat.  Or my mouth.  Yum.

Fun thought o' the day:
"Did my water just break or is this a bad case of the butt sweats?"

Pregnancy in the summer is FUN FUN!

P.S.  I may be 7.5 months pregnant and uh..not 21years old...but that ain't stopping me from shopping at Forever 21...

Forever Twenty-One: it ain't just for skinny non-pregnant free-livin' bitches...



Monday, 2:23pm, tactics to a better mood





Sometimes he wakes up from his nap on the wrong side of the big boy bed.
He gets this from me.
Except I have a big girl bed.



Strategy One:  Fear:  Scare him into a good mood.
(doesn't work)



Strategy 2: Smudging:  Burn sage while chanting "Hey ya, Hey ya, Hey..."
(closer to fine...)





3rd and final strategy: road trip:  Get Thee to a BEACH!





Ah...happy, playful toddler, now that's the stuff...



29 weeks (the storm chaser and the incessant questions)

Lately, I find myself answering the same questions.  So I thought I should design a t-shirt that says the following:

Yes, I'm pregnant.
7 months.
Yes, it's very exciting.
It's my second child.
He's almost 3.
We're having another boy.
No I'm not disapointed that we're having another boy.
Yes, it's a great age difference.
Yes, we planned it that way.
No, we are not going to "try for a girl" next time.
Yes, we have a name.
No, we're keeping it to ourselves.
September 8th
Yes, It's going to be a long, hot summer.

This week has been an interesting one.  Life, again, happening.  The husb has a great respect (read: fear) of thunderstorms.  As soon as he hears rumbling or a flash in the sky, he throws me over his shoulder, scoops up Milo and we head down to our bomb shelter where we have a 2 year stash of all things survival.  Including Tums.  Mama got some real nice heartburn/indigestion.

I joke.  But not about the heartburn/indigestion.

So last Friday we're at our neighborhood Farmer's market where I usually admire the asparagus and muse over the squash and then just head over to the ice cream shoppe.  And then by Sunday I usually regret not buying the 6 ears of corn for $3 as we're grilling out steaks or ribs or whathaveyou.

Sidenote: After 7 years of being with my husband I have *finally* found a way he likes zuchini: GRILLED. See honey?  I knew if I was persistent enough you'd like it!  Hehe...

Anyhoos, big beautiful rolling clouds come into our view, seemingly mere feet from our heads.  The wind picks up and I'm laughing.  The husb is not.  He tries to play cool, tries to humor me, "Yeah, Milo look at those dark, black clouds!  Why don't we head over to the beach!"

I, of course, think that's a grand idea.  Thunderstorm on the beach?  Shit yeah!

But then crazy, close lightening shoots, like, crazy-close by, and even *I* the storm chaser, get a little anxious.

The scene had a very "Wizard of Oz" feel has various debris starts flailing around, parents and their children start hustling back to their cars.  The rain decides to join the party and it quickly becomes an all out hurricane-like situation.

Driving home, we could barely see 2 feet in front of us.  With my 2year old son and my husband and my big 'ol belly, I'm respecting the shit out of this storm.  Trust that.

And then we get home and find half of a tree on our (other) car:




What the hell...?  Yes, there is a car underneath that branch.



 This was also Father's Day weekend.  Guess what daddy got to do on Father's Day?  Break out the electric saw and a 6 pack of beer, daddy got work to do!

 Apparently, a bolt of lightening seared right down the center of the tree in our front yard.  It's like mother nature had heard my flippant, shoulder-shrug attitude regarding thunderstorms and wanted to teach me a little lesson on how dangerous and destructive a storm can be.

"You think thunderstorms are awesome?!  I'll show you how awesome I can be!  BAM!  Right in your front yard SUCKA!!"

You win, mother nature, YOU WIN!

28 weeks -the glucose challenge-

Breakfast of gestating champians

Today I got the pleasure of drinking this sugary sweetness o' orange soda-like cocktail.  I gulped it down in about 3 minutes (they say to have it down within 5).  This is a test that screens for gestational diabetes, a high blood sugar condition that some women get during pregnancy.


But hopefully not me!  They say "no news is good news" which I find to be complete bullshit, but I am willing to accept this as standard follow-up for most of the testing that is done during pregnancy.

During the hour wait before they drew my blood (Oh!  My favorite!) I got on the scale (gained 3 lbs for a total of 13 so far!), had the blood pressure checked (104/50) and fundal height and baby's heartbeat are el normo.

Doc also informed me that this is the time to start paying attention to any signs of pre-term labor.  If I feel tightening in the belly -uterus- 5x per hour I need to drink 2 glasses of water and lie down.  If they don't go away -and become more frequent and more painful- get thee to a phone and call her office!

And this will be something I'll be worrying about for the next 8 weeks.

Pre-term labor, been there done that, got the breast milk stained t-shirt, I would much rather not revisit that big 'ol island of uncertainty and surprise, thankyouverymuch.

I told doc about my painful legs, specifically in the bikini line area, and how I felt the "waddle" was happening WAY too soon. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, DOC?!

I haven't been to the gym in over 2 weeks! This is CRAP!

She just shrugged her sholders and smiled and welcomed me to the 3rd trimester.

Ah, sonofabitch....



Whole Foods bathroom.  Let's get some Quinoa, ya'll!

warning: mushy nostalgia hormone in effect.

26 weeks pregnant, with Milo

Uh...  Really?  I hardly even look pregnant, much less 6 months along...



26 weeks with #2.

I've met many a-lady who say how different they carried each of their children.  Whether girl or boy or all boys or all girls, each pregnancy was different and unique in their own ways.  And then there are some women who say their pregnancies have been nearly identical.

My lifestyle is certainly a tad different than when prego with de Milo.  I'm not commuting an obscene amount of time and gas up and down the interstate 5 days a week, working 40 hours/week.  I don't have the luxury of sleeping in every weekend.  Well...at least when the husb is off on one of his super important, super top secret excursions across the country and underwater ship cruises.  Otherwise, thankyouverymuch for taking on "dad duty" at 6am on saturdays and sundays... :) Muah, me love you long time!

And the big one:  I have an (almost!) 3 year old to contend with.  Milo has finally caught on to the *change* in mama's belly, the little brother that will metamorphosize this little 3-some into a full-fledged family of four.

"Milo, where's the baby?"

"Mama's belly!"  -as he points to my boob.

Milo has spontaneously kissed my belly -which I used to think was kinda weird when I'd see pics of little toddlers kissing their mom's big 'ol pregnant belly.  But I get it now.  It's love, it's bonding, it's endearing...

And, as I'm closing in on the 2nd trimester -the 3rd (and FiNaL!) showcase showdown in T minus 2 days!- I've been amazed how quickly this prego-lisciousness has gone by.  Some days "easy", some days "painful and achy and yucky and tired and all the above" this has been a wonderful journey I've been blessed/amazed/thankful/happy to make.  And to do it this time around -with more confidence, less anxiety- while sharing it with my *life partner* (yes, I call him that from time to time.  The gays don't get to have all the cool lingo ;) and with my not so little bundle of joy is just all I've never thought I wanted but -and to quote The Sound of Music-

 "Somewhere in my youth, or childhood, I must have done something good..."



hang on, little man...You won't be a singleton for much longer...



Sunday morning, Baltimore Inner Harbor,

I do believe, after all this time, this was Milo's first trip to Baltimore.  He rather enjoyed the road trip, pointing out all the "bridges!" and "boats!" and  "airplanes!" and "oh, big city"!



Milo felt a little uneasy at first. He's not used to crowded sidewalks and big buildings.  And despite us bringing the 'ol trusty stroller, daddy's arms were more to Milo's liking...



Unfortch, we didn't allow enough time to do the tour of the submarine that is housed in the harbor, but Milo got a fantastic view from the Aquarium.



and the Aquarium had plenty of things to see and interact with...




"Look mommy! BIG FISH!"





The dolphin show had some cool moments, but Milo had some *challenges* with staying in his seat and waiting for the show to begin...and end.  Also, the dolphins may have been half asleep after a long leisurly sunday brunch...and not much in the mood to perform.



We left the city right as it started to rain -heavily- thunder and lightning and all.  10 minutes after driving,  we had to pull over in the middle of the street because I had left my phone on top of the car (whoops!).  I'm surprised it didn't slide off to never, never land or drown in the downpour...Thankfully, it still works and I could snap this final photo of my sleeping country bird...



27 weeks (be nice to the preg-lady, the Waddle, and 3 bare belly shots!)



It's the little things, ya'll!



TMI belly shot, for the win! 
OH!  *And* I made the bed.  Yeah, baby!

Here are a couple of short fables on times when people went out of there way to be nice to me even though it wasn't entirely necessary but -oh so appreciated:

While at work, I had to sit with a patient in the ICU one evening.  Here he was, hospitalized, hooked up to all sorts of wires that made beeping and pumping sounds -and yet- he was looking out for my well-being.   "Would you like some water?  Have you eatten dinner yet?" 

His girlfriend and daughter came into the room during visiting hours.  The gf quickly looked at me with confusion and a bit of "Who the hell is this?"  I quickly introduced myself as a staff member and why I was there.   After she shook my hand, smiling, she says, "Thank you for being so welcoming.  I was wondering who the blonde was and if he had too much going on for me to be here"   -as she was glancing at my 7 month prego-belly.  I laughed and said, "Oh no-no-no."  And, because I can't help myself, I showed her my left hand and said "Married, have a 2 year old and pregnant, -I'm not much of a catch."  She laughed, noticeably relieved. 

*   *   *

A man diagnosed with psychotic d/o -on the inpatient psych unit- apologed to me the day after being a total, uh...-not nice person- to me.  He told me, "I see that you have yourself a belly and I don't want to be the man who gives you stress and then the baby becomes schizophrenic.  You see there's energy waves and the baby's brain is still forming and I don't want to stress those waves.  You have to be real careful about these things.  So I hope you're taking care of yourself."

*   *   *

Ladies allowing me to move ahead of them in the bathroom line.  Always a plus!

*   *   *

Fellow prego ladies at the pool -we give each other that "nod" as if to say, "Look at us all pregnant and in a bathing suit chasing after a toddler...high5!"

*   *   *

In other news, the great and amazing achy legs have appeared.  I didn't have these nuisance pains when with child-milo, at least not until the very end (like 34-36 weeks HA!) after I had gained 25 some odd pounds and he was probably at least 5lbs.  Some days I'm doing the classy waddle-sway because my legs feel as though I've run a marathon -or at the very least jogged on the treadmill on an incline of 10 for an hour at 7.0 without a break.  I'm only 27 weeks I shouldn't be this achy!  My guess is that he's positioned in a way that puts added pressure on a vein or something or other.  Needless to say my gym days have been limited lately.  But I'm thinking a yoga class needs to be a-happening soon...or at least a message...

Oh!  And I am sooooo HUNGRY!  Here's to gaining MORE weight! (That's the idea, right?) *clink*



Feed ME!

Today I am: 27 weeks and 2 days

The baby is as big as a:
Cucumber (15in, 2.2 lbs)

Still to go:
12 weeks and 5 days

Which is:
89 days!  (WHAT?!)