Until now.
Before motherdom, I always dismissed the experience another mom-friend would have regarding guilt. "Guilt is a useless emotion." "WHY would you EVER feel guilty for returning to work?" "WHY do you feel guilty for setting boundaries and enforcing rules with your child?"
And I still see those things as true. but DAMN. The guilt knows no boundaries and has reached the likes of me.
Took me awhile to realize it, but these feelings I've been having are, indeed, guilt. I've been good at masking them, rationalizing them, and even denying them.
But Enough! with the Freud coping skills! I am now up to my ears in guilt. And I fully admit it. Step One.
"We admitted we were powerless over guilt -that our lives have become unmanageable."
What exactly do I feel guilty about? Let me count the ways...
1. That I'm not a kindergarten teacher with a
2. That I may know the "first thing" but I don't know the 2nd or 3rd thing about entertaining/educating a toddler.These kids grow too fast. It's hard to remember what level they should be operating at. Should he know all 26 letters of the alphabet? Should I be pushing the toilet training more? Should he NOT be watching Toy Story two times a day?
3. That my son gets most of his fruits and vegetables from a manufactured, pre-made juice box. I now understand the full definition of "picky eater."
4. That I don't have the time/patience to grow/cultivate and home-make everything (or anything) he puts in his mouth. And that he'll probably be anemic and dyslexic and never go beyond a first grade reading level because of it.
5. Most of his dinners lately have been spoon-fulls of peanut butter. Not for lack of offering him a "well balanced" meal -he's just refusing EVERYTHING. PICKY!
6. At his current daycare I have to make his lunch. Every morning when packing his lunch I KNOW he's only going to eat the Nemo gummy bears and drink the juice. Completely ignoring the "main meal."
7. Milo takes a multi-vitamin. The serving size is 2 peices. I feel guilty only giving him 2 because he wants more! (they look like sugar coated gummy bears. Who wouldn't want to eat the whole bottle?)
8. Watching him fall all over himself in complete rage when I deny him another sweet, cookie, juice, or, for the love of sugar, VITAMIN.
9. And finally, my little love bug has a tendency to smack, bite and kick. His mother, his father, his friends. I know he is still learning about anger and how to handle it. I know he doesn't know how to manage his frustration/fatigue/hunger in a more positive way...but it's SO hard when I hear of another kid getting hurt. It's also hard for me to handle my own anger/frustration when I'm the target of his attacks.
Some days it's all I got not to completely lose it.
But I'm not interested in traumatizing my child, child protective services or being dubbed "mommy dearest."
The mantra of "he is two, this is a phase, this is normal 2 year-old behavior" all circle my mind -trying to give me peace with all this.
I am still a "new" parent. I am not expected to BE EVERYTHING or DO EVERYTHING. And do it the RIGHT way EVERY TIME. I ALWAYS have my child's best interests at heart. He will be a well-rounded, successful, open-minded, easy going, generous, thoughtful man one day.
Thanks for the therapy session.
1 comment:
you should feel guilty for not including a new picture!!!
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