baby skills or "come show mama's friend how you can shit in the toilet!"

Alrighty then.  Halloween -we are all set.   "You got rants?  I know your kid is cute and all. What kid isn't cute when you've covered their face in flowers/bloody vampire juice/pumpkin etc."

We will now resume our Rants.

You ever have an innocent "catching up/what's new with you?" convo with a mom (you don't have to be a parent to relate to this one). 

*disclaimer: this is about multiple moms (including myself), no one particular mom.  Or maybe it is....fuck it, whatever...you know who you are...

Mom says, " XY (insert generic baby name here, like Joe or Milo) is now saying X (insert an actual pronoun, adjective, or noun here not baba, dada, mama) or is now doing Y (insert above average gross motor skill).

And I'm all, "Wow, really?!  How old is your child again? 14 months!? That's amazing! 

And then you're thinking, possibly saying out loud.  Is my kid retarded have special needs?  Should I be spending more time with my baby rather than FBing cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry and scouting the local paper for educational yet entertaining and age-appropriate activities?

And then when you see the little twerp baby Einstein and you say to him/her, "Say X!, Do Y!  Your mommy says you can..."

And then they just stare at you blankly, or better yet, their face turns red and they start grunting.

And the mom is all, "She totally knows how to X.  Of course, she won't do/say it now!"

And you're thinking, possibly saying out loud, "Your kid can't do shit.  What a dissapointment.  You're an asshole.  You made me doubt my parenting skills.  Made me think I have a FB problem and that I need to back off on my gym time.  I need my cardio goddamit!  I drink too many energy drinks and wine not to be working out at least 30 minutes a day! Do you hear me you crazy, delusional meth addict?!?"

I keep my expectations low realistic when it comes to parenting!  That way one day I can tell a fellow friend,  "My son is amazing. At the age of 5 he is finally shitting on the toilet!  Oh, we are so proud! You wanna come see?!"